nyc subway jokes

Reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now theyre trying to give you the gist. Of course, silly. They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well. Fran Lebowitz, I have a theory about L.A. architecture. Who doesnt love a good pun? Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. Dress up as a police officer., 7. I just saw two complete strangers share a cab In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. by 24News . Please sign up with your best email address. 37. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? 8. Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. 10. This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Roy Wood Jr.s Best Jokes at the 2023 White House Correspondents Dinner, AI Singers Are Unnervingly Good and Already Ubiquitous. Thats sick! Dana Gould. 30. The smile looks really good on you. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. How did the sailor get around the city? We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature., 63. Good call. I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet., 83. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes stepped out for a stroll together in NYC, several months after their affair scandal surfaced. Its an incredible place to live. Things you buy through our links may earnVox Mediaa commission. Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy. This post may contain affiliate links. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. Good for them (and us!). Lets just go. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. 5. Im not happy but Im definitely not Madison either. Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. 39. Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. That's why I do it on crowded subway cars. Uh, Dianne, tell me about the Queen of the Night, he said. I like to think of heard as bet adjacent. 49. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Staten Island really floats my boat. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Im like, Cat noise? Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? New Yorkers are confusing. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Now that Fleishman is out of trouble, Caplan can go back to catering. They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, cause I need room for my yoga. Basically like saying roger that. ", was playing beautifully. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. And I honestly dont get what the big deal is. Give it back now! He got back in his car and he locked his doors. Louis C.K. Like, mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. New Yorkie., 100. What is a NYC nanosecond? MTA chair Janno Lieber was The streets are numbered! He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? The birds dont know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. With great timing, a simple pun can make someone ROFL. 25. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker. Hannibal Buress, Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! What kind of hipsters live in the Big Apple? The single most terrifying experience of my life. I live in New York. How you livin? Tiny Fey, I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. 54. 84. But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. This may be the right meme for you if: You keep rewatching Succession because there are Easter eggs you didnt get the first three times. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. If youre booking a trip right now then I IMPLORE you to get travel insurance even if its not from me. If the rest of the year keeps up at this pace, podcasting will be in a good creative place. But the best/worst/best again part of Hollywood is the nonstop parade of delusion you get to see Right now there are a million people in Hollywood who are all going to make it. David Cross, I love Los Angeles. Everyone else is Mel Blanc. Jack Benny, If God doesnt destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. Jay Leno, My arms register as legs there. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. Face Impex is one of the Face group of companies that begin in 2006. This last version of the token came out in 1995 with the pentagon cutout and a fare hike to $1.50. Im gonna be Frank. That front-wheel drive is crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo Drive. Christopher Guest, Thank God were back in Hollywood. The mother wants to think of some excuse so she says: "because when you do it, then when you grow up, you will be fat like our neighbour next door." What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? There are over 8 million people in this city. It always looks better when the Orangemen are on paper., 108. Wait, how is that not an even number? All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. 11. Because it was so hot in NYC today. Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. 7 of the Best Lighthouses in Portland Maine! Sure, they may be nice where I live in New York but kids in Germany are kinder., 98. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway., 42. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously., 87. New York has tasty hot dogs. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City?, 43. A guy will tell you, Yeah, Im a producer. And hes driving a cab. Freddie Prinze, I like living in L.A. One thing I dont like about living here is driving. New Super White Glazed Porcelain Tiles By Face Impex Is Here To Decore, Milano Beige 800x800 Matt Porcelain Tiles By Face Impex Matt Glazed Porcelain Tiles Beige Color Elegent Look Porcelain Tiles Which, Copyright 2023 | FACE IMPEX PVT LTD. |MGT-7, 60120 | Super White | Glazed Porcelain Tiles | White Tiles | Bianco, 80x80cm Tiles | Matt Porcelain Tiles | Floor Tiles | 800x800mm. This email will be used to sign into all New York sites. I love New York. Thats why I love karaoke so much it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid. Aziz Ansari, I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. 51. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. Why are we stoppin? Its because New York sucks. Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Things change, even at the bodega. One day there were four innocent people shot. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. Hughley, When its 100 degrees in New York, its 72 in Los Angeles. What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can enjoy more than 150 of them below just click on the city youd like to target, and youll get a joke, most likely at the citys expense. 1. Whats the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles? Tire-less. NYCs New Years sucked. In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. Bus Metro Walk. From 11:30 p.m. Friday to 5 a.m. Monday, trains are not running between 161 St-Yankee Stadium and Norwood-205 St in either direction, and uptown trains aren't stopping at 155 St. Laugh more here: Hilarious Los Angeles Jokes. It was like, You pulled it off. 112. 43 Funny Star Trek Jokes That Will Make You Love Klingons. 17. 6. By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. NYC is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. When blondes move from New Jersey to New York, what happens? Theyre beautiful. Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. It reinvents itself every two days. Billy Connolly, From cheesecake on a stick to meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a stick there are no plates anymore. Ill use my Rolls Royce.. Im fat in all the wrong places. Hand cramp! Elon wanted to put Thai boys into small objects, Jared wanted to put small objects into Thai boys. 21 Amazing Things to do in Venice at Night. A trip to NYC can be very taxi-ng on your wallet. 77. So, without further ado, check out how many of these secrets you might know about New York Citys perhaps second most hated station (after Penn Station ), the Times Square subway station! Everybody loves it. In span-ish. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! 3. "There's no F in Way" Im not having his argument; Im having mine. Above perv is a bozo. Victor hugo politics les miserables. I always get bored when Im driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. Lets go west., 78. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? 6. Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and thats it. Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. 55. With Barry on the loose, all Gene, Fuches, Hank, and Sally can do is crumble as they wait to see who hes coming for first. Suddenly, he pulled his hand away and cried out in pain. I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. 59. Howd you get lost in New York? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean subway cold cut dad jokes. 3. Yeah, they really dropped the ball. Industry professionals are tweeting their support of guild members. Holler! Youll a lot of times see headlines that are like, Hero Tutor Teaches After School, and youre like, Yeah. Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! The guy was very rude. I dont think things could get any Bleeker. Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. 86. How do you get to be? Because thats where the mini apple is! Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place And thats where this list of 185 top New York jokes, New York puns, NYC jokes, and NYC puns comes in mighty handy. The end. Wyatt Cenac, In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles, its still 72. Why was the bagel store robbed? 18. Who do kids in Chelsea hang out with? Web20 Wild Things On NYC Subways That Wouldn't Make A True New Yorker Look Up From Their Phone *Frank Sinatra voice* I want to be a part of it by Syd Robinson BuzzFeed Staff 1. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! So its nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but its not really going to bother him that much. Greg Fitzsimmons, I spent $700,000 on a house in L.A. at the height of the housing market. Sure, some NYC jokes and NYC puns are better than others, but you know what? Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. These cookies do not store any personal information. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. 48. I said you could borrow it, not have it! Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year.. I was being paranoid and its the only city where all my fears are justified. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. The temperature in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so what do you do to stay cool? 114. They asked him if he wanted his sandwich toasted. She said no problem sir. Where do fat cows go on vacation? So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously. Joan Rivers, This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white? Hari Kondabolu, I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet. Al McGuire, Ive now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones unfortunately, its a lowercase L. Rita Rudner, The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. Jon Stewart, New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train. Dave Barry, In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor. Quentin Crisp, I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio. Craig Anton, No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab. Scott Adams, I live in Los Angeles. 2. Relationships are hard in NYC. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? NYC Subway jokes thread. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. They really dropped the ball this year. That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. 42. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. So they can park in handicap spaces. G: No I'm a dentist. A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. We don't let the homeless p** in our public bathrooms. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Canning tomatoes after freezing moles. Thats because these NYC puns are hilarious. Whats the best street for moving trucks? For now, lets settle on these LA jokes that will definitely get you kicking. What state do dogs like? Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. NYC looks terrible in the mornings. Perfect for any New Yorker or visitor to the city that I had like bruises everywhere. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. So glad you stopped by and super happy to meet you. Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C.

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